“That’s the limit!” exclaimed Eva. “Man, do you hear what you’re saying? What boy invites a girl to a pastry shop and then just stares at the pastry chef? That’s just not done.”
“Well, I had just done it. I was sitting there at that table thinking that if there was nothing more beautiful in this world than a girl making bread, a close second—immediately—were women making cakes.
But imagine what a fantastic woman she would be if she knew how to make both bread and cakes!
Unfortunately, women who are good at making bread aren’t great at making cakes, and those who make good cakes are terrible at making bread. This means only one thing.”
“And what would that be?”
“That God gave many qualities to women, but He didn’t pack them all into one woman. And it also means that a man will always have to seek perfection in several women… so to speak.”
Eva shook her head in disapproval.
“Anyway, you look at it,” she continued, “it’s not gentlemanly to be with one woman and gawk at another.”
“That’s what I thought too. But it wasn’t my fault, it was the pastry chef’s! That woman had the devil in her! I clearly felt how the magnetism came out of her and entered me. I was practically being spiritually violated. I was the victim!
I resisted, I swear! I swallowed hard and tried my best to break free from Mia’s charm.
I lowered my gaze from her face to avoid being hypnotized. I lowered my gaze to her neck. She had a swan neck. Not good.
I looked lower and ended up at her breasts. They were acceptable. I stayed there.
Mia was about thirty years old and spoke with a sparrow-like voice. She was a classic case of a devilish woman with an angelic voice. She kept chirping and smiling at us, and she was sooo adorable.
How come I had lived in that town for twenty years and never stepped into her pastry shop? The only explanation, the only one, was that I was a regular at pubs, not pastry shops.
Irina coughed while I was ‘weighing’ Mia’s breasts, and that brought me back to Earth. Suddenly, I turned red up to the whites of my eyes. I didn’t know what to do, so I attacked my cake like a man. I don’t even remember what kind of cake it was, but I know I finished it in a few spoonfuls.
Irina ate slowly, like the angel she was.
She had ordered a raspberry-soaked savarin and was slowly chewing through that ton of whipped cream. She liked sweets. It was normal. Who doesn’t appreciate sweets? Who doesn’t appreciate pastry chefs? Oh, I felt like I was losing my mind again.
My little angel stopped, wiped her lips with a napkin, and took a sip of juice. Then she glanced at Mia, who was serving other customers. She looked a bit displeased. At least that’s how it seemed to me. Then her gaze turned back to me.
“What’s your name?” she asked, smiling.
“Tiberiu. And your name is Irina.”
“Yes, my name is Irina. And… what’s the deal, Tiberiu?”
‘Damn,’ I thought, ‘I’ve screwed up! She must have noticed I was looking at that woman’s breasts. What a blunder!’
“I don’t… understand,” I stammered, confused.
“What’s the deal?” she repeated, resting her temple in her hand. “Why have you been following me for so many days?”
“Oh, that’s what you meant. At… the factory, you mean?” I whispered, looking at my juice glass.
“And at the factory. And on the tram. And around my block,” she enumerated, licking the whipped cream off her spoon.
What was I supposed to say? I listened to my thoughts. There was complete silence in my head. I heard my ears popping. Then ringing.
“You’re not much of a talker, are you, Tiberiu?”
“Not really,” I admitted, looking down.
The truth is, I was kind of a sociopath back then. I didn’t talk to girls or boys. Not even to my folks. I only talked to Alfredo, but he didn’t count since he was gay.
That’s me. I’ve never liked chattering. I still don’t, obviously.
Back then, at twenty years old, I preferred to bury my nose in books. Detective stories, adventure novels, sci-fi. Anything to escape reality. Reality sucked!
I sometimes talked to myself. Often!
And when I worked digging ditches and drank heavily, I talked to various guys I had never seen before and would never see again. Alcohol loosens tongues.
I suddenly understood my problem! I needed a ‘stiffener’.
If I had been drunk, I probably would have told Irina all sorts of nonsense. I definitely would have made a fool of myself. I probably would have pinched her butt, and our love story would have ended right there, in that pastry shop.
But I was sober, so my career as a butt-pincher could wait.
“The truth is… I like you, Irina.”
As soon as I finished saying that, it seemed like the dumbest line a boy could say to a girl. Love makes people stupid, it’s statistically proven.
‘I love you, damn it!’ I thought. ‘Do you get it, or do you need me to draw you a picture?’
Irina didn’t say anything, she just blushed a little and choked on her juice.
“I’ll make you love me,” I promised in my mind. “I’ll succeed, even if it takes an eternity. No. An eternity is too long. Anyway, if I don’t succeed… the pastry chef is right there, within reach. Good thing I discovered this pastry shop! It’s God’s hand. Now that I have a backup plan, I feel much calmer.”
I was glad that Irina wasn’t in a hurry with her cake. Every extra second was a moment spent with her. Every minute spent with her became a loyal soldier fighting for my cause. It’s essential to spend as much time as possible with the person you want to win over. Until you win them over!
“Do I really love her?” I asked myself, looking at her. “Probably yes. It must be love that I’m feeling right now. It would be too weird if it were anything else.”
She was almost finished. I had to pay for the cakes and juice. I looked for Mia to signal her. I wanted the bill.
I put my hand in my pocket and looked at Irina as she finished her cake. At first, I looked at her calmly. Then more and more concerned. In the end, when she had only one sip of juice left, my gaze screamed of despair.
Where, damn it, were those money? I kept digging deeper into my pocket. I moved from my pants pockets to my coat pockets.
“Help me, God! Where’s the money? What is this?”
I subtly slipped my hand into my shirt pocket too. Nothing. Empty.
“Calm down, Tiberiu! I told myself. Don’t lose your cool. Take it methodically, step by step, with hypothesis and conclusion, like a future lawyer!
Hypothesis:
Step 1. This morning I had some money. I put them in that ‘new’ coat.
Step 2. I didn’t like the coat. I took it off. I put the old one back on.
Step 3. The money… uh… I didn’t transfer them.
Conclusion:
I’ve screwed myself. Case closed.”
I felt cold sweat pouring out of every pore, and I started fidgeting in my chair. Air! I needed air! I had no air! And… I had no money. The money was at home.
I ordered the cakes, I had to pay! I was a ruined man.
At that moment, I wished I were somewhere else. Somewhere in the Sahara Desert or, even better, on the Moon.
I wanted to disappear into a distant constellation, thousands and thousands of light years away. Maybe Cassiopeia. Maybe the Big Dipper.
Yes, definitely the Big Dipper.
Why wasn’t the floor splitting under me? Split! That’s what all men who can’t pay a bill deserve. I wanted to sink into the ground. That way, I would have solved all my problems. Once in the Earth’s magma layer, the bill would be the least of my worries.
“What’s wrong?” Irina asked suddenly, paying attention to me.
“N… nothing.”
“Are you feeling sick, Tiberiu?”
“No.”
“You’re as white as a sheet.”
“I’m feeling great. I swear!”
Meanwhile, the gears in my head were spinning crazily:
“Help me, Holy Virgin, Mother of God! Give me an idea! What? What did you say? Pretend to feel sick? Exactly! What if I pretend to faint? Yes, excellent idea! I’m going to collapse right now. Maybe I’ll even foam at the mouth.”
I already saw in my mind the commotion that would follow. He’s sick! Call an ambulance! Help!
Who would have cared about the bill? I would have left there peacefully, on a stretcher, with a plastic tube deeply stuck in my mouth.
Seconds passed. I didn’t fall. No one called an ambulance. Irina was boredly scraping the last crumb of her savarin with her spoon, glancing at her watch.
What if I got up and explained the situation to Mia quietly? Pulled her aside, into a more secluded corner? Whispered in her ear?
Or maybe it was better to confess to Irina…
That pastry shop didn’t have any secluded corners. Just a single room. In the middle were the display cases with cakes. On one side, the chairs and tables. On the other, more shelves and a refrigerator. How on earth could I have pulled Mia into a more secluded corner?
It was clear: I had to tell Irina.
Or maybe I should have gotten up and bolted, like in a hurdles race? That was an option. But in that case, I’d never be able to marry Irina and I couldn’t have children with her either. Oh, what wouldn’t one do for children?
I wanted children. I had to sacrifice myself!
“Shall we go?” Irina asked me.
“You won’t believe this,” my voice came from somewhere, very far away, “but… I think I forgot my wallet at home.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said that…”
“I heard,” Irina said softly, a bit flushed. “Never mind. It’s okay.”
She got up and gestured. The other woman came over and placed the bill on the table. Irina pulled that piece of paper towards her, left a banknote on the table, and that was it.
Look at that… How simple it was!
Then she got up and left.
“Aren’t you going after her?” the pastry shop lady asked, smiling as she took the money from the table.
“Yes, I think I will,” I stammered.
At that moment, my legs regained their strength and I quickly headed for the door.
“You can keep the change,” I said, leaving.
***
My girlfriend had already reached the tram stop.
“I’ll walk you,” I said hurriedly. “Why are you rushing off? Don’t you want me to walk you home?”
“I don’t know if I feel like paying for your tram ticket too,” she said coldly.
“I have a pass,” I replied, offended.
“Really? Good to know.”
The tram wasn’t coming. People kept gathering at the stop. No one was talking to anyone.
If someone, a random observer, had analyzed everyone gathered at the tram stop, I don’t think they would have realized that Irina and I were together. We stood like two ice statues. The minutes passed slowly, but the tram finally took pity on us and arrived. We got on, traveled about six stops, then got off to wait for the next one.
The silence between us was starting to make me feel almost physically ill. I bet Irina wasn’t feeling great either.
“I’m a student,” I suddenly started speaking. “I’m in my second year. Law school.”
“Good for you,” she replied. She was silent for a few seconds, then burst into laughter.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing,” she giggled.
“Tell me so I can laugh too.”
The girl’s body started to shake. It was a silent laugh that came from deep within her. The harder she tried to stifle it, the more her face turned red and she shook.
“You’re laughing at me,” I said, my face darkening. “I can see it.”
I felt a deadly silence settle over me. The more she laughed, the colder my temples felt. I unbuttoned a button on my shirt and took a deep breath.
“Sorry,” Irina said, her face red.
I looked at her and, in that moment, she didn’t seem so beautiful to me anymore. I must have been very sad. It probably showed.
“Look, the tram’s coming,” she said seriously, taking my arm.
We got on. Irina looked at me closely.
“I’m a student too,” she said, and her hand gripped my arm tighter.
“What are you studying?”
“Economics. But part-time, not full-time. I don’t like what I’m studying. I hate Economics. It’s not even a science, it’s just called that.”
“What year are you in, Irina?”
“Third year.”
I really didn’t care. It didn’t matter. As far as I was concerned, she could have been studying at the Sorbonne. She could have been in two faculties at once.
No girl had ever laughed at me before. Not to my face.
With a man, things are simple. He laughs in your face, you knock his teeth out. Or at least try.
But how do you deal with a girl?
“Oh, life!” I said to myself, grumpy. “Won’t this tram ever stop? What am I doing here? And why do I care that she’s a student? As far as I’m concerned, a bomb could fall on the Faculty of Economics and another one on the bread factory. I hate you, Irina. No one laughs at me to my face.
Yeah, let your damn bread factory blow up! I don’t even need bread anymore. I’ll never eat bread again as long as I live!”
“We’re here,” she said.
“Okay.”
“Aren’t you getting off?”
“Yes, I am. I think it’s time to say goodbye, Irina.”
“Aren’t you going to walk me?” she asked, disappointed. “I thought you wanted to walk me.”
“What’s the point? There’s your block, it’s twenty steps away.”
“So what? Walk me, anyway. Twenty steps.”
“Fine,” I said, grumpy.
We walked the twenty steps like two strangers. I hated Irina. I wasn’t sure anymore that it was a good idea to marry her. Or maybe I should marry her, after all. To punish her!
What a brilliant idea!
“I’ll marry her,” I said to myself, “and then I’ll beat her morning, noon, and night! I’ll knock those silly ideas out of your head, girl! You’ll never laugh at me again. Guaranteed!
I’ve never seen my mom laugh at my dad!”
That’s what I was mulling over in my mind as we approached the building entrance.
“I think now… it’s really time to say goodbye, Irina.”
“As you wish. I live on the seventh floor.”
“I know.”
“I know you know.”
“And you want me to take you to the seventh floor?”
“Not me. You do,” she explained, smiling.
“Only if you want me to.”
“What do I want?” she asked, laughing.
“Well… for me… to walk you.”
“You’ll do it anyway, so it doesn’t matter what I want.”
“No, I won’t. If you want to go up alone, I’ll turn around and leave now.”
“Leave?”
“Yes.”
“Really leave?”
“Yes.”
“Then I want you not to leave. Walk me.”
Strange girl.
When we got out of the elevator, I followed her to the door. On the apartment door was a small plaque that said “78.”
“I think it’s time to say goodbye, Irina.”
“Okay,” she said. “But before you go, wait here a bit.”
The door closed behind her. After a minute, I heard Irina’s voice and another woman’s voice. I was starting to feel ridiculous.
“Did I tell you I’d bring him home? Did I or didn’t I?” I heard Irina’s cheerful voice.
“Fine,” said the other voice, a bit upset. “You won the bet. Congratulations!”
Clearly, it was time to get out of there. But I didn’t have the chance because the door opened wide and a woman appeared in the doorway.
Instinctively, I disliked her.
It was… her mother!
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