Eva lightly moves her fingers through the sand. She seems preoccupied.
“What’s the matter?” I ask, looking at her amused.
“Clear something up for me,” she says, gathering her courage. “You told me you kissed Mia and that was your first kiss?”
“Yeah. The first.”
“And you were twenty-one? That doesn’t seem too… normal, so to speak.”
She rests her chin in her hand and looks at me as if she wants to apologize.
“Maybe I was too busy with other things until then,” I say a bit irritated.
“Too busy to kiss a girl? That’s absurd.”
I grit my teeth. Her question doesn’t sit well with me. Twenty-one…
“Aren’t you lying to me?” she asks candidly.
“Maybe.”
My voice is no longer my own.
“Alright, you got me!” I add. “I lied. The first time I was kissed I was eight. Or maybe nine. And it wasn’t a peck; it was a full-on kiss, like in the books, with tongue down the throat and all. Want to hear the story?”
Eva raises her hand abruptly, horrified.
“Nine years old? Oh no, please, I don’t want to know! Keep it to yourself. Sorry I asked.”
“That’s what I thought,” I say, grinning. “That’s why I told you my first kiss was in that confectionery. It’s sweeter that way, more syrupy. And even if it was only at twenty-one, it doesn’t bother me.”
Anyway, the day after I got that slap from Mia, Alfredo showed up at my place.
“Tiberiu, if you keep this up, you’re going to fail the year!” he told me, worried. “What are you going to do when exams come? It’s going to be a disaster. Wake up, man! Do you want to fail the year?”
He was right. I hadn’t been to classes in a while.
“Alfredo, life is beautiful!” I informed him cheerfully. “Life is simple, my friend! I’ve fallen in love with two women! Tell me I’m not a true champion, go on, say it!”
I was proud. Not long ago, I had been a toilet mouse, and now I had both a future wife and a future lover. Things were moving fast. I told my friend everything, and he shook his head, disappointed.
“If you want to start a family, you need to be more responsible! You need to pass all your exams, and maybe it wouldn’t hurt to find a part-time job. Where do you think I get my pocket money from, Tiberiu?”
“Your parents send it from Canada, right?”
“They send nothing. My parents haven’t sent me a penny in at least eight months,” he replied irritated. “I work hard for every cent!”
“You wash dishes at a restaurant?” I asked, surprised.
“No, not quite. I work at a telemarketing center. I call people on behalf of a company, explain the features and benefits of the products, and at the end, propose they buy the company’s products.”
I looked at him disgusted.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked, smiling. “It’s honest work. I offer the buyer a thirty-day product return guarantee. Everything is legal, and I get a commission for each sale.”
“So you’re the worm that calls us at least once a week with some product or another!” I exclaimed, frowning.
“One of them, yes!” Alfredo shot back, laughing.
I threw the door wide open, stuck my head out into the hall, and shouted to my mother:
“Mom, do you know who the scammer was who tried to sell us home insurance last week?”
“Who?” her voice came from the kitchen.
“Alfredo! My friend!”
“How rude of him!” she replied, peeling potatoes for soup. “Tell him it’s not nice to bother people with phone calls.”
“It wasn’t me, ma’am!” Alfredo shouted, blushing. Then he turned to me and looked at me reproachfully: “Why are you being an idiot? I don’t sell insurance; I sell health and beauty products.”
“Same difference,” I replied, disgusted.
“What do you say?” he insisted. “Do you want to work? Do you want to make some money?”
I shrugged.
“Alfredo, I don’t have time for this crap. Better tell me how to trick Irina into loving me. She thinks I’m crazy, and this situation is starting to bore me. I want to get under her skin. I want her to love me! I want her to be crazy about me! I want her to be my slave!”
“That comes with time,” he replied thoughtfully. “Try to be around her as much as possible. It’s essential! And, for God’s sake, try to act like a gentleman. Be respectful! Be attentive! Listen when she talks, and try to keep your mouth shut. When you open your mouth, sometimes you make people hate you.”
“That’s nonsense!” I exclaimed, bored. “I already know these silly things. Don’t you have any better advice?”
“Oh, I forgot: you need to win her mother over.”
“The monkey?” I protested, choking with indignation. “That lazy woman who stays home all day and puts on makeup?”
“Yes, her. Make a pact with the devil until you cross the bridge,” he replied, laughing. Then he said goodbye to me. I walked him to the gate.
“Goodbye, ma’am!” said Alfredo, crossing the hall.
“Goodbye,” my mother replied. “And please, stop calling us. We already have home insurance.”
My friend gave me a murderous look. At the gate, I shook hands with him and asked a bit embarrassed:
“Hey, can you lend me some money? I’ll pay you back, don’t worry!”
***
Days passed. Eventually, I managed to trick Irina into thinking I wasn’t some lunatic.
What times! It was a wonderful period of my life. I remember it fondly. We walked through the park, sometimes went to see a movie. I liked going to the cinema.
In the darkness of the theater, Irina let me kiss her and hold her hand. Once, I put my hand on her breast, and she didn’t slap me. I gained courage, unbuttoned two buttons, and lowered my hand a bit. She didn’t object. Not too strongly.
I took her to the confectionery less often. Almost never.
“But where did you get the money?” Eva asks, smiling.
“Money? Ha! Money isn’t a problem when you’re a smart guy! What do students do when they have no money? I sold some of my textbooks. Sometimes I did various services for my retired neighbors. Walked dogs, bought newspapers. For about three days, I dug ditches again.”
“Very nice!”
“And when mom wasn’t paying attention, I’d swipe some from her purse. But most often, Alfredo helped me out. Yeah, that’s what you do when you have no money.”
“Why didn’t you take Irina to the confectionery anymore?”
“Well, in the confectionery, I couldn’t touch Irina’s breasts. At the cinema, I could.”
Eva looks at me with pity and quickly adds:
“I’m kidding, I had other reasons. The confectionery had become too dangerous for me.”
One day, I went there with Irina after a short walk in the park. I had almost forgotten the slap Mia gave me. Probably, she had too.
We walked in, sat at a table, and a smiling Mia came to take our order. Clearly, she had forgotten.
“Women have short memories,” I thought, happily.
Everything was perfect. The atmosphere was romantic. All that was missing was a nightingale to perch on my shoulder and sing us a love song.
When Mia returned with the tray, she carefully placed Irina’s cake on the table but practically slammed mine under my nose.
“Oh, excuse me,” she cooed with an innocent face.
“No problem, ma’am,” I replied, swallowing hard.
Irina immediately sensed something was off. She shot Mia a long look, who calmly went back to her display case with pastries, then leaned towards me and whispered:
“Tiberiu, I don’t want to come here anymore.”
It had been, I think, two or three weeks since the slap I got. How had Mia not forgotten?
“But why, dear?” I asked Irina, looking astonished. “I like it here. It’s intimate. It’s familiar. Everything is nice.”
“No, it’s not!” Irina hissed almost furiously. “I don’t like how that floozy looks at us. Especially at you. It makes me want to go over there and shake her up a bit. She annoys me.”
My dear me! Imagine how I puffed up with pride when I heard her say that. It was clear: I had become the absolute champion of women!
“You’re jealous!” I said, biting my lip in satisfaction.
“Don’t grin like a clown!” she snapped. “I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. You’re jealous. That means you love me! Come on, Irina, say it: ‘I’m crazy about Tiberiu.’ Repeat!”
Oh, how happy I was! Happiness was oozing from me through every pore. Even the sun had come out from behind a cloud to congratulate me.
I had value! Two women wanted me. They were crazy about me. They were ready to tear each other’s hair out for me.
That meant one thing: I was an Alpha male.
I was proud. Not long ago, I had been a toilet mouse, and now I already had a future wife and a future mistress. Things were moving fast. I told my friend everything, and he shook his head, disappointed.
“If you want to start a family, you need to be more responsible! You need to pass all your exams, and maybe it wouldn’t hurt to find a part-time job. Where do you think I get my pocket money from, Tiberiu?”
“Your parents send it to you from Canada, don’t they?”
“Send it, my ass. They haven’t sent me a penny in at least eight months,” he replied, irritated. “I work hard for every cent!”
“You wash dishes at a restaurant?” I asked, surprised.
“No, not that bad. I work at a call center. I call people on behalf of a company, explain the qualities and advantages of the products, and in the end, I propose that they buy the company’s products.”
I looked at him, disgusted.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked, smiling. “It’s honest work. I offer the buyer a thirty-day money-back guarantee. Everything is legal, and I get a commission for each sale.”
“So you’re the worm that calls us at least once a week with one product or another!” I exclaimed, frowning.
“One of them, yes!” Alfredo retorted, laughing.
I opened the door wide, stuck my head into the hallway, and shouted to my mom:
“Mom, do you know who the scammer was that wanted to sell us home insurance last week?”
“Who?” her voice came from the kitchen.
“It was Alfredo! My friend!”
“Very rude of him!” she replied, peeling potatoes for soup. “Tell him it’s not nice to drive people crazy with phone calls.”
“It wasn’t me, ma’am!” Alfredo shouted, blushing. Then he turned to me and looked at me reproachfully: “Why are you being an idiot? I don’t sell insurance; I sell health and beauty products.”
“Same thing,” I replied, disgusted.
“So what do you say? Do you want to work? Do you want to make some money?”
I shrugged.
“Alfredo, I don’t have time for this nonsense. Better explain to me how to trick Irina into loving me. She thinks I’m nuts, and this situation is starting to bore me. I want to get under her skin. I want her to love me! I want her to be crazy about me! I want her to be my slave!”
“That comes with time,” he replied thoughtfully. “Try to be around her as much as possible. It’s essential! And, for God’s sake, try to act like a gentleman. Be respectful! Be attentive! Listen to her when she talks and try to keep your mouth shut. When you open your mouth, you sometimes make people hate you.”
“That’s nonsense!” I exclaimed, frustrated. “I already know this rubbish. Don’t you have a better piece of advice to give me?”
“Oh, I forgot: you need to win her mother over to your side.”
“That monkey?” I protested, choking with indignation. “That sloth who stays home all day and puts on makeup?”
“Yes, her. Make a deal with the devil until you cross the bridge,” he said, laughing. Then he said goodbye. I walked him to the gate.
“Goodbye, ma’am!” said Alfredo as he crossed the hallway.
“Goodbye,” my mom replied. “And please don’t call us again! We already have home insurance.”
My friend gave me a killer look. At the gate, I shook his hand and asked, a bit embarrassed:
“Hey, can you lend me some money? I’ll pay you back, don’t worry!”
***
Days passed. Eventually, I managed to trick Irina into thinking I wasn’t some lunatic.
What times! It was a beautiful period in my life. I remember it fondly. We would walk through the park, sometimes go to see a movie. I liked the cinema.
In the darkness of the theater, Irina would let me kiss her and hold her hand. Once, I put my hand on her breast, and she didn’t slap me. I gained courage, unbuttoned two buttons, and lowered my hand further. She didn’t object. Not too much.
We went to the pastry shop less often. Almost never.
“But where did you get the money?” Eva asks, smiling.
“Money? Ha! Money isn’t a problem when you’re a smart guy! What do students do when they don’t have money? I sold some of my textbooks. Sometimes I did various services for my retired neighbors. I walked dogs, bought newspapers. For about three days, I dug ditches again.”
“Very nice!”
“And when my mom wasn’t paying attention, I’d swipe some from her purse. But most often, Alfredo helped me out. Yeah, that’s what you do when you don’t have money.”
“Why didn’t you take Irina to the pastry shop anymore?”
“Well, at the pastry shop, I couldn’t touch Irina’s breasts. At the cinema, I could.”
Eva looks at me pityingly, and I quickly add:
“I’m joking, I had other reasons. The pastry shop had become too dangerous for me.”
One day, I went there with Irina after a short walk in the park. I had almost forgotten the slap Mia had given me. Probably she had too. We went in, sat at a table, and a smiling Mia came to take our order. It was clear, she had forgotten.
“Women have short memories,” I told myself happily.
Everything was perfect. The atmosphere was romantic. All that was missing was a nightingale to sit on my shoulder and sing us a love song.
When Mia came back with the tray, she carefully placed Irina’s cake on the table, but practically slammed mine down in front of me.
“Oh, excuse me,” she cooed with an innocent face.
“It’s nothing, ma’am,” I replied, swallowing hard.
Irina immediately sensed something was wrong. She gave Mia a long look, who calmly continued attending to her cake display, then leaned toward me and whispered:
“Tiberiu, I don’t want to come here anymore.”
It had been, I think, two or three weeks since Mia had slapped me. How had she not forgotten?
“But why, dear?” I asked Irina with a bewildered face. “I like it here. It’s intimate. It’s familiar. Everything is nice.”
“No!” Irina hissed, almost furious. “I don’t like the way that bimbo looks at us. Especially at you. I feel like going over and shaking her a bit. She irritates me.”
Poor me! Imagine how puffed up with pride I was when I heard her say that. It was clear: I had become the absolute champion of women!
“You’re jealous!” I said, biting my lip with satisfaction.
“Don’t grin like a clown!” she snapped. “I’m not.”
“Yes, you are. You’re jealous. That means you love me! Come on, Irina, say it after me: ‘I’m crazy about Tiberiu.’ Repeat it!”
Oh, how happy I was! Happiness was oozing out of me through every pore. Even the sun had come out from behind a cloud to congratulate me.
I had worth! Two women wanted me. They were mad about me. They were ready to tear each other’s hair out for me. This meant only one thing: I was an Alpha male.
Not long ago, I was ravaging my mom’s magazines, and now… two at once.
So I kept grinning and eating my cake, but halfway through it, imagine this, I found a big, green fly. It was hidden right between the chocolate layer and the whipped cream.
I froze. I swallowed hard several times and barely stopped my stomach from spasming. Still, just looking in that direction made me feel sick again.
It wasn’t one of those squished flies mixed into the batter. No. It was an almost-alive, very fresh fly. That fat fly had parked there recently.
If I hadn’t been in a reputable public place, I could have sworn someone had put it there on purpose. It was as if someone had taken the cake apart and planted that creature there.
I glanced at it out of the corner of my eye, and the fly seemed to come to life. I almost saw it twitching its little legs. I felt sick again.
I put the spoon on the edge of the plate, grabbed the soda bottle, and quickly took a swig. I didn’t bother pouring it into a glass; I didn’t have the patience. I drank straight from the bottle.
I breathed a sigh of relief. The feeling of sickness passed. I looked calmly at Irina, then at the window display facing the street.
I was a man. Men have strong stomachs!
From the display, my gaze shifted indifferently to the soda bottle.
“Dear God!”
At the bottom of the bottle, I saw another fly, the sister of the other one. It was also green and had a big bottom, but it wasn’t twitching its little legs because it had already passed away. I sighed and felt my face turn pale.
“Maybe Irina is right,” I told myself philosophically. “Maybe it’s time to change the pastry shop. Maybe I should kill Mia right now, on the spot!”
“What’s wrong?” Irina’s voice came from somewhere far away.
“N-nothing!” I replied with a strained, but resigned face.
“What’s with your face? Why are you grimacing like that?”
“My tooth hurts so bad!” I confessed, almost crying. “It’s been hurting since this morning.”
I put my head on the table and felt like crying there, in that pastry shop, for the second time.
“Poor you,” Irina said tenderly. “I know a good dentist. Do you want the address?”
“Yes, give me the address,” I replied weakly, then lifted my head from the table. I glanced quickly toward the counter and said, raising my voice: “I have a feeling we’ll need a dentist soon!”
Mia gave me a motherly look and continued moving trays from left to right.
“Aren’t you going to finish your cake?” Irina asked.
“No.”
“Can I eat it?”
“N-no!” I exclaimed, scared.
“Why?”
“Because… you’re a well-mannered girl,” I said quickly. “It’s not something you do in public. But I promise I’ll let you eat my cake some other time, in private.”
Irina looked at me angrily.
“You’re not funny at all, you know! What kind of joke is this? I really thought your tooth hurt.”
“I know, I know… I’m sorry! I’ve gone mad and I’m saying nonsense. Look, I swear, we’ll never come here again.”
“Why?”
“Because, you’re right, I feel a tension in the air here. There’s a kind of bad magnetism in this place. It’s something almost evil, girl!” I exclaimed, glaring at Mia. “It’s the pastry shop from hell, damn it!”
“God forbid!” said Irina, laughing with her hand over her mouth. “Let’s get out of here!”
So I paid and we left. And I never came back.
Not with Irina.
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