{"id":696,"date":"2026-09-09T16:37:35","date_gmt":"2026-09-09T16:37:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/?p=696"},"modified":"2026-09-09T17:40:12","modified_gmt":"2026-09-09T17:40:12","slug":"a-psychopaths-lustful-prayer-to-god","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/a-psychopaths-lustful-prayer-to-god\/","title":{"rendered":"A Psychopath\u2019s Lustful Prayer to God"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

You know, that idiot Alfredo was right!<\/em> I thought. There\u2019s nothing in this world more pleasing to the eye than a pious woman kneeling before the altar, before an icon!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I badly needed a woman, and I was thirty-three\u2014the age Jesus had been when He was crucified.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For about six months, ever since I\u2019d made peace with God, I\u2019d been looking for\u2014and had found\u2014a new confessor. He was the very monk who had once led me to my former confessor\u2019s grave. The man was blessed with grace, and he had a gentle gaze. His voice was soothing. He reminded me of my psychiatrist!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

One by one, I had confessed all my sins to him, and he had neither damned me nor recoiled in horror. So I took heart and began treading the path of salvation with greater zeal. I stopped slacking off. During the day, I went to work\u2014I had found another construction site\u2014and I spent my afternoons studying the Bible and other holy books.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

At my new job, I didn\u2019t swear at anyone anymore, so no one fired me. The time had come to keep my mouth shut and bow my head a little, as befits any humble Christian. I got along famously with my foreman and always minded my own business.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I no longer searched for pornography on the internet, but for spiritual guidance. I prayed in the morning, the moment I jumped out of bed. I prayed fervently before sitting down to eat. I prayed fearfully at night while staring at my bed. And, most importantly, I never missed the Holy and Divine Liturgy on Sundays.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I had no more doubts: I had rediscovered the Way, the Truth, and the Life!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Still, something was missing. I needed a woman as pure and pious as I was. I could walk the Path holding her hand, couldn\u2019t I? What kind of happiness is it if you don\u2019t share it?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then I had a genuine revelation! It was a Sunday, I was in church, and this was what I said to myself:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yeah, Alfredo was right! There\u2019s nothing more beautiful and pure in this world than a woman kneeling in church before an icon.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I needed a shy woman, pure as an angel\u2014not some painted-up whore from the internet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You don\u2019t find a real woman in a nightclub! You don\u2019t find her in a disco where Satan roars and bellows! You don\u2019t find her flaunting her tits on a poolside lounger! A thousand times no!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I looked around wide-eyed at the saints on the walls and up at the ceiling. God had brought me to exactly the right place, and the miracle was about to happen: I was going to find HER! It was the will of the Lord, so I shuddered, fell to my knees, and thought with a thrill:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ll be damned if I don\u2019t marry the first chick who walks through the church door!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

An old crone of about seventy came in, wearing a long headscarf and dressed all in black.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Except for this one, Lord! She\u2019s the same age as my mother!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then a little girl of about nine came in.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Forgive Your servant, Lord!<\/em> I thought, resting my forehead against a pillar. Be good and send me one a little riper!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The granite pillar was cold. It was painted from top to bottom with angels brawling with devils.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I turned my head. A woman in her thirties had come in, tall and skinny as a rake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe I\u2019m being a little picky, Father, but this Christian woman\u2019s ass is a little too small! There isn\u2019t even anything to grab! This one doesn\u2019t count either, okay? I promise that the next one\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

And then\u2026 more of the same. I simply couldn\u2019t catch a break!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My laser gaze swept over all those kneeling women, and I quickly began processing the results:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Too skinny! I\u2019ll snap her in two.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Too fat! She\u2019ll remind me of Laura.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nose too big! It looks like it was planted there. No! Out of the question!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nails too long. What the fuck? They look like claws! And she calls herself a Christian\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

No tits at all! How is she supposed to breastfeed the child we\u2019re going to adopt?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

That one has a massive wedding ring! Yeah, bye!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Too stiff! Looks like she has a stick shoved somewhere.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Too hunched over! I may be a Christian, but I\u2019m not stupid! Or a martyr!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Too sallow. Maybe there\u2019s something wrong with her liver. She could be terminally ill! This is probably the last time I\u2019ll ever see her around here.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ahaaa! That one over there! Thank You, Lord! Great are You, O Lord! Yes! Yes! That\u2019s her! Exactly her! She\u2019s the one I want!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

She was about seven paces ahead of me, on the left, kneeling. I couldn\u2019t see her face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My God!<\/em> I thought piously. What a waist! What an ass! Thank You, Heavenly Father! She\u2019s the most fuckable Christian woman in the entire church. I\u2019ll be forever grateful to You, Lord! I promise that this time I\u2019ll do everything by the book: I\u2019ll court her for about six months, then I\u2019ll get engaged to her, then we\u2019ll have a church wedding with a priest and all that, and after that I\u2019ll fuck her like a good Christian until her teeth rattle! And we\u2019ll have IVF treatments and\u2026 we\u2019ll have at least seven children. Eleven! A football team!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh, great are You, Lord! You couldn\u2019t have made a better choice! Look at those beautiful childbearing hips! She\u2019ll have no trouble giving birth! If only she\u2019d turn her head a little so I could see her better. I hope she isn\u2019t ugly as hell! Come on, girl, turn your head! Turn it, I said! But what if she is ugly? Wait a minute, girl, don\u2019t turn it! Lord, I beg You, don\u2019t pull one of Your nasty jokes on me!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Hmm, could she be ugly? So what? What if she is? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, isn\u2019t it? I\u2019ll love her exactly as she is! I\u2019ll sacrifice myself! She\u2019ll be my wife, and I\u2019ll kiss her ass morning, noon, and night! And I\u2019ll even enjoy it! I promise! Come on, turn your head!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

After about half an hour during which I went through all the torments of hell, the woman stood up. And what a waist she had! What hips\u2026 What slender legs! I could make out her curves through that damned long skirt. She crossed herself. She bowed before the icon, but she didn\u2019t kiss it. Strange!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The chick turned around, and at that moment, I saw her face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I let out a long, disappointed whistle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A self-proclaimed humble Christian goes to church looking for a pious wife\u2014and lets God make the choice. Read this dark comedy excerpt.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":699,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[26],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-696","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-excerpts"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/696","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=696"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/696\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":704,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/696\/revisions\/704"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/699"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=696"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=696"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=696"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}