It was my first day at work, and this time I wasn\u2019t going to be using either a shovel or test tubes. Just my brain! I was entering a completely different world, and I had to make a good impression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So, around a quarter to nine, I went into a bar near my workplace and had a shot of vodka, to calm my nerves and keep my hands from shaking.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I arrived at my brand-new job chewing mint gum. It was my first day. I couldn\u2019t stink.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I looked at my hands again. I was shaking even worse! I felt like a high school kid on his first date, waiting with a flower in his hand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I can\u2019t be shaking!<\/em> I told myself anxiously.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I reached into my pocket and took one of Mom\u2019s pills. I chewed it up quickly as I climbed the stairs to the third floor.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The telemarketing center was just one long shitty room with about thirty snot-nosed kids, boys and girls, crammed into it. Each one sold their own product, spoke their own language, and had their own desk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The big boss handed me over to a smaller boss, a guy about my age. He was supposed to train me, so I kept my mouth shut and my ears open. But there was no need. What he was telling me was very simple. Apparently, for the time being, I didn\u2019t need a computer. He handed me a folder full of lists. Each list had five hundred phone numbers on it. I called, made the offer, and that was it\u2014the person had to buy. Still, if I ran into some cranky guy who didn\u2019t want to buy, I had to convince him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If I managed to convince him, I had to quickly write down the customer\u2019s information and how much they ordered. If not, I crossed out the phone number in red pen and moved on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n There was a computer on my desk, but it was mostly for decoration. I didn\u2019t even have to plug it in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n All I used was the holy pen and those piles of paper.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cCome on, dial the first number!\u201d he told me kindly.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I put on the headset, moved the microphone a little closer to my lips, and dialed the first number on the list.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He stayed beside me for a few more minutes, then said with a smile, \u201cThat\u2019s good! You\u2019re doing better than I did on my first day! Keep going!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It wasn\u2019t hard. I didn\u2019t even have to think! I had a sales pitch written on a little piece of paper and read it quickly, like a parrot. The person answered; I started reading and… that was it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGood morning, ma\u2019am! Please give me one minute of your time! I\u2019d like to tell you about the most revolutionary anti-rheumatic product…\u201d CLICK! \u201cDamn it, she hung up on me!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGood morning, sir… Vogel anti-rheumatic cream is made from a traditional, high-quality German formula…\u201d CLICK!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGood morning! Did you know that…\u201d CLICK! \u201cJesus Christ! What rude people!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHello! Good morning! With active ingredients derived entirely from carefully selected plants…\u201d CLICK!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGood morning, ma\u2019am! Could you spare me a second? Yes? Is that possible? Thank you! You may not know this, but Vogel anti-rheumatic cream is recommended for its beneficial effects and, above all, for…\u201d CLICK! \u201cMotherfucker! You said you\u2019d listen to me!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n By around 11, I had about two hundred clicks and not a single sale. Sweat was pouring off me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And to think that at this hour I used to be loafing around at the water-pumping station! I told myself angrily. Mia, you whore! Look what you\u2019ve done to me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n I secretly took another one of those pills and kept going.<\/p>\n\n\n\n By around 12:30 I didn\u2019t need the paper anymore; I already knew the pitch by heart. I hadn\u2019t made a single sale, but at least I knew what I was selling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I went out on break and smoked a cigarette, then ran over to the bar and had another shot of vodka. The business world was tough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n At exactly 1:00, I was taking my third pill and, somehow, I was starting to like this job. I felt like I was salesman material, and a sense of satisfaction filled the entire room. The buzz of the operators\u2019 voices never stopped for a second, but I didn\u2019t even notice it anymore. It was just background noise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The big boss came over and looked over my shoulder.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow\u2019s it going, junior?\u201d he asked, stroking one sideburn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGood!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou like it? You have to like it! It\u2019s the greatest job in the world. Selling. You like it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGot any orders? Sold anything?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDon\u2019t worry, young man, don\u2019t get discouraged! It\u2019s only your first day. I\u2019ve got a feeling you\u2019re going to become a real professional!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n And he left. Good thing he did! That sideburned boss of mine was starting to get on my nerves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It wasn\u2019t good to get worked up. A sales professional never gets angry. That\u2019s what it said in that brochure. I had to calm down fast, so I took another pill. Which one was that? Who the fuck cared?<\/p>\n\n\n\n By around 2:00, I was feeling really good. The people I called weren\u2019t my customers anymore; they were my slaves. They were my puppets. I could make them do whatever I wanted. They weren\u2019t hanging up on me anymore. I hung up on them. Because I was a professional. You can spot a professional on his very first day on the job. That was the secret: you had to be tough!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Around a quarter past two, I was struck by a brilliant idea! I secretly wrote it down on a little piece of paper and quickly slipped it into my breast pocket, right next to my heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That idea was pure gold! It was going to revolutionize the art of telephone sales, and it went something like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n If every 67th call has to be a sale, then the first 66 don\u2019t matter.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n It was obvious: I had to get through the first 66 calls as quickly as possible and then concentrate on the 67th.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then I had an even more brilliant idea: dial the 67th number directly. Why waste time on the other 66?<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bingo!<\/em> I told myself with a smile. That\u2019s it, man!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n I had just discovered the philosopher\u2019s stone of sales, and the satisfaction was enormous! I felt very happy, but also a little exhausted. I had this… strange sluggishness. I needed an extra dose of energy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I told the guy next to me I was going to the bathroom and shot out of there. I went straight to the bar, got a shot of vodka, knocked it back fast, and returned eagerly to my desk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I picked up the pen and opened the folder with the lists. I counted 66 numbers and circled the 67th. Then another 66. And so on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n In the end, all I had left were the lucky numbers. I cracked my knuckles and told myself with a grin, That\u2019s it! I\u2019m gonna destroy them all!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGood morning, ma\u2019am! Listen to me carefully! Hello! I\u2019m talking! I\u2019m going to tell you about our new product… Oh, Mom, is that you? No, I\u2019m not drunk! How could I be drunk at work, Mom? Yeah… uh-huh… it\u2019s going good! I like it… I\u2019m selling rheumatism cream. Oh, speaking of which, have you ever heard of the German brand Vogel? No, Mom, why would I be joking? Listen to me… I said I\u2019m not joking! Come on, forget about… Oh… You too, Brutus? You know what? I\u2019m putting you down for an order anyway, and if you don\u2019t like it, no harm done! I\u2019ll pay for it myself out of my first paycheck. Okay? You\u2019re not mad anymore? Bye, Mom!\u201d CLICK!<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yaaay! My first sale! So it worked! Mom\u2019s number was the 67th. And it was a sale!<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was so happy I took another pill.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGood morning! I want to talk to you about… How old are you? Put your mommy on, sweetie! … Good morning, ma\u2019am! Did you know that our anti-rheumatic product… Wait, ma\u2019am, you don\u2019t even know what it\u2019s about yet. Our product… No, I\u2019m not being rude… Hello\u2026\u201d CLICK! \u201cUnfuckingbelievable! And that was the 67th on the list. How the hell?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGood afternoon! Vogel anti-rheumatic cream is… Excuse me? So what if you don\u2019t have rheumatism? Is that a reason to interrupt me? I was trying to explain about… Hello! Please don\u2019t use words like… Hello, sir! Sir… Stop! I said, \u2018Stop!\u2019 Just be quiet for a second so I can talk too! Listen… You know what? You\u2019re not hanging up on me; I\u2019m hanging up on you!\u201d CLICK! \u201cMiserable bastard! Where are those pills?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHello! Good afternoon, dear lady! Vogel anti-rheumatic cream… Yes, ma\u2019am, it\u2019s a German formula. Germans aren\u2019t stupid! Ha, ha! I\u2019ll put you down for one box, okay? … What do you mean you don\u2019t want it? Then what have I been wasting my breath for all this time? Hello… listen, if you interrupt me one more time… I said shut the fuck up! I said… Shut up, bitch! Because of old elephants like you, young people like us can\u2019t earn a living… What do you care what my name is? Well, that takes the cake!\u201d CLICK! \u201cWhere are those goddamn pills? Damn old carcass!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHello! It\u2019s me again! You know what? I\u2019m glad you\u2019ve got rheumatism! I wouldn\u2019t sell you Vogel cream if you begged me on your knees!\u201d CLICK!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHello, hi! You don\u2019t want any cream, do you? … How old did you say you were? Seven?… Put your mother on! No… hold on! Forget your mother! You don\u2019t happen to have an older sister, do you? … You do? Perfect! … Hello! How you doing, babe? … What cream? Screw the cream… So, what are you wearing? … What?… That\u2019s no way for a young lady to talk!\u201d CLICK! \u201cGod, what a country full of morons we live in?! Jesus Christ! It\u2019s really hard to earn a living these days!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHi! I bet you don\u2019t want any Vogel anti-rheumatic cream! … What do you mean, \u2018you might be interested\u2019? I\u2019m telling you, you\u2019re not interested! Bye!\u201d CLICK!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat the fuck are you doing?\u201d the big boss asked from behind me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSales!\u201d I replied cheerfully, looking at him. \u201cLook,\u201d I said, showing him the list, \u201cI\u2019ve already made my first sale!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m asking you to leave,\u201d he said coldly, tugging at his sideburn.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAnd I\u2019m asking you\u2026 not to ask me!\u201d I replied, clenching my jaw.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGet out of here right now!\u201d he screamed. \u201cGet up!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I got up. It took a while. I was tall. Tension hung in the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It wasn\u2019t just between me and my boss. All those people had stopped talking on the phone. Everybody was looking at me. Their stares pissed me off. Sideburns moved slightly toward me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cTouch me, and see what happens!\u201d I told him with an icy stare.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And all of a sudden time started moving faster. I nimbly climbed onto the chair like a squirrel and from there jumped up onto the desk as if I were some union leader getting ready to call a general strike.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat are you all staring at?\u201d I screamed at them. \u201cAll of you are pygmies! You\u2019re nothing! You don\u2019t know shit about sales!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGet down from there!\u201d the guy pleaded in a faint voice. \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with you? Just yesterday you were telling me you were mature and responsible.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell,\u201d I roared, \u201cnow you\u2019ve really pissed me off! If you want to know, Sideburns, I don\u2019t give a shit about your shitty job! And, yeah, I\u2019m mature, you morons, and I\u2019m a professional and… and I\u2019m responsible… And all of you can kiss my ass!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGrab him!\u201d Sideburns yelled. \u201cGet him down now!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n But it wasn\u2019t as easy as he thought! I started running. I jumped nimbly from one desk to another and managed to make two laps around the room and knock over a whole bunch of computers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHe\u2019s crazy!\u201d the smaller boss was screaming. \u201cSomebody call an ambulanceee! And the police… and the fire department! Stop him, damn it!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Eventually, I suddenly felt my energy drain away. I was wrung out like a sponge. There were a lot of them and only one of me. They got hold of me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cDon\u2019t come near me!\u201d I screamed as if the end of the world had come.<\/p>\n\n\n\n They carried me outside. The ambulance had already arrived. My welcoming committee was a female doctor, a paramedic, and the driver.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was almost falling asleep, but the paramedic smacked me twice across the face.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat did you take?\u201d he asked, staring hard at me. \u201cDon\u2019t you dare fall asleep, you hear me? You have to stay awake!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n I stayed awake. All the way to the hospital, he kept slapping the shit out of me, while I kept explaining the benefits of Vogel anti-rheumatic cream to him. But he didn\u2019t want to buy any. Neither did the other two. I got angry! Then my jaw locked up and I couldn\u2019t make another sound. I wanted to keep talking, but the words got stuck somewhere in my throat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow many of these did you take?\u201d the ER doctor asked, shaking the nearly empty box of pills. He snapped his fingers twice in front of my eyes, then repeated, \u201cLook at me, kid! There were thirty pills in this box! There are only seven left. How many did you take? Was the box full? Talk!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cCan\u2019t you… count?\u201d I muttered, blinking. \u201cLet me sleeeep!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n He turned his back on me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cGod, what a city full of retards!\u201d he sighed, then said to the nurse, \u201cStick the tube down his throat and pump his stomach! Once, twice, ten times! When he\u2019s throwing up nothing but clear water, stop!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n It was a shitty day. I didn\u2019t manage to get a wink of sleep! Toward evening, they called an ambulance and transferred me out of there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The siren screamed and wailed, so we got to our destination fast. When they took the stretcher out, I looked around and was filled with rage. I could clearly see where I\u2019d ended up: for the third time in my life, I was in the nuthouse. My jaw suddenly unlocked, and my mouth stayed open all the way to my room and then to my bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat the hell am I doing here?!\u201d I screamed, glaring with hatred at the bars on the windows. \u201cHey, I\u2019m sane!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou tried to kill yourself, sweetie!\u201d a nut in the next bed told me. \u201cYou gotta stay here three days. It\u2019s standard procedure. Stop getting worked up for nothing!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat\u2019s not true! I didn\u2019t try to kill myself!\u201d I got even more worked up, pulling at the straps they\u2019d used to tie me to the bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYeah, yeah\u2026 Like I\u2019m gonna believe you!\u201d he replied, laughing. Then his eyes went wide; he suddenly jumped back into his bed, and quickly pulled the blanket up to his chin.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Someone had come in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI know you!\u201d I told the nurse approaching my bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou dooo?\u201d she asked calmly, tapping the syringe with her fingernail and carefully pushing the air out. \u201cAnd where exactly do you know me from?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou\u2019re that lunatic who gives shots right through people\u2019s pajamas! Don\u2019t come near me! Don\u2019t touch me!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n She looked at me with beautiful eyes, as if she\u2019d stolen them from a doe. She also had two little braids. No, I hadn\u2019t been mistaken, damn it! It really was her, the pajama-piercer!<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf you\u2019re a good boy,\u201d she told me in a tender voice, \u201cI\u2019ll move your pajamas out of the way this time. Okay?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s not okay!\u201d I screamed, staring at her like a wild animal and jerking against my restraints. \u201cI don\u2019t want a shot! I don\u2019t want one!\u201d But she came closer, making the syringe squirt into the air, and I screamed again, foaming at the mouth, \u201cNo shots, you bitch!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMy name is not \u2018Bitch\u2019!\u201d she murmured, slowly pushing down the syringe plunger. \u201cMy name is Tabita. There, all done. See, that didn\u2019t hurt, did it? Come on, stop staring at me like that! You\u2019re a big boy! Try to sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cVogel anti-rheumatic… cream…\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cShhh… That\u2019s enough, that\u2019s enough. Sleep now,\u201d she said softly, watching me from beside the bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n She had white pants, a white coat, a white headband, and the two pretty little braids hanging down the left side of her head had white hair ties at the ends too. And she had skin as white as milk, without the slightest trace of makeup on it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And doe eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Oh my God\u2026 this woman looks like an angel! Exactly like a little angel who\u2019s floated down from a fluffy white cloud. She\u2019s the most angelic woman I\u2019ve ever seen in my life!<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n That was my last thought. Then I fell asleep.<\/p>\n\n\n\n And I dreamed about her all night.<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" His first day as a telemarketer begins with vodka, a few pills, and high hopes. By the end of the day, he’s strapped to a psychiatric hospital bed. Read this hilarious dark comedy excerpt from A Man, a Woman, a Deserted Island by Uirebit.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":709,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[26],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-707","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-excerpts"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/707","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=707"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/707\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":713,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/707\/revisions\/713"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/709"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=707"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=707"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.uirebit.com\/books\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=707"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}