I look to my left. Ana is awake and looking right back at me.
"So, you're not sleeping?"
"No," she coos, and her breath hits me in a cloud of schnapps.
"Why not?"
"You know why."
"I have no idea why you're not sleeping, but I'm about to pass out."
"Cut the crap with this sleep thing," she snaps suddenly, slurring her words. She rolls over, switches on the bedside lamp and says playfully, "Has anyone told you today that you're an interesting man? You've got a magnetism about you, it's scary."
Poor thing. The alcohol in your brain is apparently my "magnetism," you damn woman. The thought that a woman finds me attractive only when she's one step away from an alcoholic coma doesn't exactly thrill me.
"To be honest, nobody's ever told me I have magnetism, but I have been told I've got a face that's asking to be punched."
"Relax. I'm not interested in your face," she says, laughing, and her hands disappear under the blanket.
"Is it just me, or are you tugging on me, ma'am?"
"Is it just me, or are you playing dumb, sir? Ha, ha! Don't tell me you don't like women?"
"I'm absolutely not interested in women."
She stares at me, dazed, and the fingers under the blanket take a break. Then they go back on the offensive.
"Hee hee... What a cute idiot you are! You've been married a few times and you don't like women? You can tell that to the tooth fairy," she laughs, and it's obvious she's drunk out of her skull.
I try to calm this creature who's yanking at my pants. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are rolling in her head from all the schnapps. She's obviously got a fixation. I hate fixations.
God, help me! I swear I'll never buy a woman booze again!
"So you don't like chicks, huh?" she scolds me, panting. "You switched to the enemy?"
"Bullshit," I protest. "I'm not gay. I never said I like men!"
"I kind of like them," Ana admits. "Hee hee, I think I'm a bit gay, because I've always kind of liked them."
Right. I've got two options. Either I run out of this hotel with my clothes under my arm and Satan chasing me down the stairs, or I give her what she wants fast and send her to sleep.
It's freezing out there, so I sigh and pick option two and pray to Heaven it won't take long. It'll probably be over pretty quickly. It's been a while since...
"I'm impotent!" I make one last attempt.
"Yeah, sure you are!" she roars with laughter. "If you're impotent, then what am I holding in my hand right now?"
I glance down at myself, curious. Yeah, she got me! I don't know how she did it, but I could crack someone's skull with what she's holding.
"All right, Ana! Moment of truth! I'll tell you the naked truth: I've got HIV."
"And I've got herpes. Want to trade?"
"Jesus! You're unbelievable! I don't even have a condom! I don't!"
"I do... hic... have a condom." Ana tries to get out of bed, but she's so drunk she collapses on top of me like a pancake.
"You keep condoms in your purse?"
"Of course! You didn't think I went to Vienna to visit the zoo, did you?"
Just my fucking luck! Looks like I've run into a big-time man-collector. Now I really do need a condom.
"All right, babe! You convinced me, we'll have sex. Where's your purse?"
"See over there, on the little table," she moans. "Oh, God..."
"What? What happened?"
"Heh, heh... funny thing... the room is... spinning like... The room..."
"Oh, that," I say. "I know, darling, I know. That's normal. Come on, get off me for a second. I have to grab a rubber."
Ana suddenly screams in my ear, "A man has no business in a lady's... hic... purse! Bring the purse here! Don't stick your paw in there, you pig!"
I manage to wriggle free and hand her the purse, but the condom hunt takes an eternity. In the end I get the long-awaited condom, but... there's nothing left to put it on.
"See, woman? See? I wasn't lying. I told you I'm impotent!"
"Don't yell! Stop yelling! You'll wake the whole hotel up! Why the fuck are you yelling like that?"
"I'm yelling? You're yelling! You're louder than a drill sergeant on the parade ground."
"Get out if you don't like my voice!" she screams, spraying me with schnapps-flavored spit. "Why do you keep coming and going out of my room? Make up your damn mind! A man should be... hic... decisive."
"Go on, tell me to leave one more time," I shout, furious. "I dare you! Say it again!"
"Leeeave!" she howls.
I get up on all fours and reach for my clothes, but Ana grabs my legs and yanks me back. The blanket flies off. I get a pillow to the head and the other one lands by the lamp.
"You really thought you were leaving?" she shrieks behind me.
Wow! This isn't a woman, it's a judo fighter. I have no idea where she gets so much power in those little arms. I'm pretty sure if I piss her off, she'll snap me in half like a twig.
"Listen to me, you dumb ox!" she yells, furious. "I'm going to have the hottest sex of my life even if you don't participate. But you will participate, sweetheart, I guarantee you'll participate. You'll be the guest of honor, oh yes! You're gonna... hic... participate! You'll be the star of the show!"
Drunk, crazy, and in the mood to play! I really picked the perfect person to share a hotel room with!
Suddenly she shoots out of bed like a weasel, locks the door, pulls the key out of the lock, and heads into the bathroom. The key goes clang! into the toilet bowl and Ana flushes.
I look down calmly. My fate is sealed.
"There," she yells, coming back from the bathroom. "Done! Lie on your back and give it to mama so I can raise it from the dead."
In less than a minute, the corpse rises. It's a miracle! Ana grabs the condom and rolls it on like it's nothing.
Her pajama bottoms land on my head. I toss them aside and watch, half amused, half pissed, as she impales herself. She hasn't killed every last brain cell with booze; she still knows what she's doing, and she's doing it well. She's straddling me and moving like she's possessed. It's worth watching! It's like having a front-row seat to a show.
"Bravo, girl!" I encourage her. "Why didn't you say so from the start?"
I fish one of her thin menthol cigarettes off the nightstand, light it, and watch my little Amazon with great interest. I swear I'll marry her! This is what I've been looking for the last forty-four years, without even knowing it.
Someone knocks on the door. A young woman's squeaky voice warns us, "Front desk here! Sorry, but... Hello! We've had several complaints. Please stop making so much noise!"
"So what?" Ana yells, furious, without slowing down. "People aren't allowed to fuck in your hotel? Give me a minute to finish him off and then I'll send him out to you! You can bring some girlfriends too!"
I start laughing. I like her! She's got spirit. I've always admired people who know how to turn things in their favor.
The other one is pounding on the door like crazy, this one is torturing me in bed, but what really scares me is that this has been going on for over ten minutes and I still can't finish. I don't know what the Austrians put in their schnapps, but it clearly works. On women and on men.
I get a brilliant idea: I'll fake it.
"Ah..."
"Don't you dare finish or I'll kill you!" she screams.
"As if! I wouldn't dream of it."
I'm screwed! I'm going to die in my prime in this hotel. Nice. If she hadn't flushed the key, I'd still have a shot.
Ana is breathing deeply and looks like she's about to have a heart attack. Sweat is pouring off her.
"At least move a little, don't just lie there like an animal," she moans. "It's not fair!"
I feel sorry for her. This bouncy little woman is still fifty years old, so I lay her gently down on the sheet and take over where she left off.
Ana suddenly goes suspiciously quiet. She's limp under me like a rag. I get the weird feeling I'm screwing a corpse, so I pause and gently rest my palm on her left breast. Her heart is beating.
"Why did you stop?" she asks, opening one eye.
Yeah, she's alive. I resign myself to finishing the job. It goes on. The minutes file past us one by one.
Feels like a sauna in here. We're both drenched in sweat and groaning like bears. The cold outside doesn't dare sneak in under the door anymore. The bed rattles, protests timidly, then louder and louder. It's about to give up the ghost too.
Okay! We've reached position one hundred and seven. I try to invent a new one, but I can't be creative under this kind of stress. Ana whines, moans, screams, and pants, then takes a break and starts over.
Fuck this! This isn't sex, it's the torture chamber of the Spanish Inquisition! If I keep going, we're both going to croak and I'll never make it to Dubai. Or Thailand!
"I can't keep going, I really can't... You hear me, Ana? Let's leave the rest for another time."
"Nooo!" she shrieks, suddenly revived. "I'm going to have... the most..."
"...the hottest sex ever. I know, I know."
I realize I've got two giant hammers in my head. I listen, terrified, as they pound my temples. It's a miracle I haven't had a stroke yet. Even the receptionist got bored and took off.
I glance at the nightstand with one eye and see there's still some schnapps in the bottle, so I pour what's left into two glasses and hand her one. We drink in silence.
"I really needed that, after this whole circus! Cheers, Ana! To your... brother-in-law's health!"
Ana starts laughing and downs hers in one go, then tosses the glass over her shoulder. It shatters and she makes a surprised face. Then she hiccups and starts crying.
I stare at her, scared. I feel the urge to cross myself. Ana sees my face and suddenly starts laughing like a deranged hyena. Right, good luck getting through to her now.
"Come on, it's almost six, girl! Get some rest."
I'll stay with her a little while longer to keep up appearances, then I'm gone. Door, window, doesn't matter. As long as she falls asleep.
What the fuck? She's crying again? That drunk woman's sobbing is getting on my nerves.
"Come here, girl!"
I pull her into my arms and tell her she's beautiful. I'm not lying. Truth is, she's the most beautiful woman in this whole room.
"I like you a lot, Ana. Seriously. Come on, be good."
"You like me?"
"Of course. A lot!"
Why not tell her? Costs me nothing.
"Say it again."
I tell her she's special. Very special. I kiss away her tears, stroke that red hair and rock her gently in my arms. She calms down and falls asleep with her cheek on my chest. She's out.
I keep talking to her and stroking her even while she sleeps, then I lay her down carefully on the bed, pick the blanket up off the floor and tuck her in nicely. Now she's breathing softly like a child.
I pull the condom off in one move, flick it under the armchair, and stretch out on the bed myself. The room is completely silent. You couldn't even hear a fly.
Mission accomplished.